| |  ;survive
I'm starting to get real scared. you know, I just cant fake it anymore. and I'm suffering. I'm suffering so much and I cant stop it. when I look in the mirror, when I look at you, when I catch a glimpse in a store window. my mind processes it unlike my own. its not my heart anymore and its not my vision or my world. I'm losing myself way down deep. I have to fix this. I know how. I know how to fix it but its hard. its so fucking hard, you cant even imagine what kind of withdrawal I will have. what kind of shuddering I might do. because it will never leave me, it will always be there, lurking and smiling, flying on make-believe wings just in my blind spot, in the corners of peripheral vision, fluttering and blinking. I want to smash it like a bug.
so I'm giving up. I'm packing myself in. its raining you know and I've got the perfect yellow suitcase. if things would have worked differently I would have never had even a slight interest in that suitcase. what if I'm borderline? what if I'm walking a tightrope and instead of staying steady and keeping pace and breathing deep, the first pretty thing I see I want it. I want to be it, I want it to be me and I want to have complete possession over you. over it. and my mind will not let it go, will not let you go. it likes you and it wont stop possessing you. I have to get out of here. I'm going to lose my mind. you're stealing it, you don't even know that! but you are you are taking away everything that was me! but someone always does. that's how we work in this world, we steal little bits of each other. we emulate each other and ripple in their shadows. but this time its going too far. I need to escape.
I never liked floral print...or pearls, never liked jewels or skirts. I had a vendetta against scarves and dresses weren't my thing, I wasn't thin and I didn't talk with a nice voice. I kept my eyes open and wide and never crunched them with a smile. I never wore make-up...I didn't care about lace and didn't care about the view from my window. I never drank tea and could care less about flowers (that was the worst! I hated them!) I was not by definition considered a pretty girl. and then something rounded the hard edges, softened my shoulders and cleared my skin. in a way you sort of saved me from some god awful destruction. but you are killing me everyday. because as I do this, as I change I am completely aware of what I am doing. and thus being this way I can pick out others who do the same. I am completely happy with the person I am. I just want to forget you. so I want to say this: I hate you. that's simple. because I really do. I wish you would just fucking die. but that's not so nice, is it? there's still a part of me that wants you to live, keep going. but I would rather be weak and just hate you in a silent raging you could never pick up on, never imagine. who would hate you? not me!
but I've pictured your death, I've been to your funeral. I've picked through your things after you were gone. I've even killed you and ran for the border. I'm just afraid that you're not going away. and that's all I want. go away, please. leave us in peace, leave me in peace. I want to be hard again, I want to dye my hair black and sneer. but all of a sudden I just find beauty in the funniest places. in my boyfriend, in my friends, in the tiny communities of xanga and livejournal, on the street, in my yard, out a window. I never wanted this. so fuck you. fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou. leave me alone.
so I'm going to try and find someone else. something that's fucking better than you. because I would rather torture myself in someone else. I want to grow to hate you. so I'm looking. I'm people shopping. I'm replacing you. I don't want to look up to you anymore, I don't want your opinion. good-bye.
nobody really likes anyone. but people need to stop. I want to keep myself. I want to keep myself like a secret. maybe you feel the same. but you're not even a person. you're not even real. so why am i doing this?
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| | Posted 4/29/2006 3:46 PM - 15 Views - 0 eProps - 1 Comment
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